Home is wherever there is you.

I feel like this blog has consisted a lot about home recently. I guess in a way, my life has as well. My favorite song as of late is Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, I talk about Oregon with anyone who will listen and I get crazy excited anytime I get close to going back to Borger. The latter is the main point of this blog, and also this is probably the last blog that Sawah will read while she is away. These past few weeks have continued to be crazy. Thanksgiving was not much of a break for me sadly. My grandpa was home so he slept in my brothers bed, my brother slept in my bed and me and my mom shared her new ginormous bed. My mom's room is the only room upstairs with no door, just stairs and a room if that makes sense. So when my grandpa wakes up at five in the morning, turns on all the downstairs lights and blasts the tv, I hear and see it all. Pretty frustrating not feeling rested over a break. It was like too little time to hang out with everyone I wanted to see (Ashley, Sam, the Shermans) but too much time to hang out with solely a few people. This week has been finals week and I took my last one today, Ed Psych which was crazy easy. Now it's just making myself busy so today goes quickly and tomorrow comes even quicker. I'm very ready for a nice long break for the next month or so. I'm tired of school, even though I love OBU (despite my past angsty update), I'm just ready to be away from the bubble for awhile, and not sleep in that stiff little bed either. As usual I'm excited to see my sweet sweet doggy and sleep with her in my own bed (Grandpa won't be there this break). And just relax, going to Leah and Daniel's wedding, substitute, hang out, play and all of that.
This year I feel a crazy amount of Christmas spirit. Last year me and my family were just not feeling it I guess. I wasn't that excited, my mom didn't put up the tree or decorate or anything, and there was just no spirit. This year however, my heart leaps anytime a Christmas song comes on, and I can't stand the wait for Christmas Eve with my big crazy family. I know that it will be the best Christmas ever. John's family is going out of town for Christmas to California, he didn't want to go because they're going to be gone for two weeks, which means he'd miss Dan and Leah's wedding, and he just wanted to be home. My family, of course, extended an invitation and he gets to fully be a part of all of our traditions. Let me list them for you, it's comical how many there are, and I guess that's why I love it.
1. We open all the presents on Christmas Eve
2. It's always at my Tia Nani's house
3. We don't eat a real meal, just snack foods (each Tia has a "specialty")
4. Me and my cousin Jessica always separate the presents and decide where each person is going to sit.
5. We always open presents one at a time, from youngest to oldest.
6. We always make wishlists and draw names on Thanksgiving
7. The girls always exchange ornaments
8. On Christmas day my Tia Lala always makes a lunch for us in Amarillo
9. After lunch we usually go watch a movie or play board games at her house.
10. It's always always always loud fun and there's an abundance of love.
I feel so blessed to have the family I have, we're crazy and annoying and dysfunctional, but we all love each other and make every get together so much fun.

Anyways, tomorrow morning John and I head out back to Borger, with a pit stop in El Reno for lunch with my dad. I can't wait to be HOME.

Also, this is for Sawah.
Sarah,
I've missed you a lot this semester, it's really taken some getting used to. I can't wait to cuddle with you and re teach you social norms (not that you've ever had them anyway). I can't wait to fully catch you up on everything. I know you've done some great things where you are and you want to stay and leave all at the same time. And for my own selfish reasons, I'm jealous. I miss your pretty face and infectious laugh. I can't wait for you to be home. Call me as soon as you get there, I need to hear your voice and know that you're back on my side of the world. (I have a new number p.s). Thanks for letting me be in charge of Good Shep this year, it was challenging and intimidating and so much fun, but it misses you. Come home and come home safely. I miss you so so so so so so so so much.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!

Craziness

My life has been nuts recently. This week (and a few days after the break) I'll have two tests, one being a Civ test, a Civ research paper, a philosophy paper, a lesson for my Foundations class, working nine hours a week on top of other normal home work. Craziness. Because of said craziness I decided to delete my facebook. In all honesty, it was a really rough decision, especially since my best friend uses that to talk to me sometimes. But in all honesty, we don't talk that often. And I don't really talk to anyone else on there and somehow it takes up a huge chunk of my time. I just didn't need it. Instead of homework I did facebook, instead of a quiet time I did facebook, it just isn't good. I've felt pretty good since not having it, despite some grief from a few people.

So...lately I've felt kind of tired of OBU. I don't feel like I have that many friends here anymore, I pretty much only see Ben, John and Katey on a regular basis. It's sad that nobody really hangs out anymore since everyone got apartments. We only get together every once in awhile for birthdays and a few family dinners. And Shawnee, I am not a fan. There seems like there is nothing to do (not that I'd have time). And it's not like Borger, which is small, but I know all the neat things to do there and places to go because I've lived there my whole life. And it's not a new place anymore, there is nothing cool to do in Shawnee, Oklahoma. I'm ready for another point in my life (like Oregon) but more than that, I'm just ready for a break. After the craziness that is this week, it'll be great to go home, see some familiar faces and just be home, away from Oklahoma.

Anyways, for craziness and melt downs, this week has been good. I lost my I.D and have NO money until tomorrow so I've been eating lunch and dinner with John which has been fun, nice to spend some time together even though we're insanely busy. I am also really enjoying my job, I get paid to color and watch Disney movies for three hours. It's pretty tiring, but I like it. As the week goes on, I get more and more checked off of my to-do list. I taught my lesson today, tomorrow is my Civ test (which I am uncharacteristically not worried about) and I already have four pages done on my seven-ten page research paper done. Life isn't too bad, even when it's terrible. Because my God is wonderful

My Trip Home

So I went home this past weekend. It was JUST what I needed, God really did work that one out for me. I got to visit my beloved Sherman family and it was amazing. I hung out with Ember and we talked and made each other laugh and I played with Brysee and Corbee. I love those little boys. I got to hang out with Johns family and chill at his house doing homework and watching Mad Men. And my dog! I love her! I got to hug her neck and sing her songs and sleep with her in my new big girl bed. Nineteen years old and my first time to sleep in my very own big girl bed (which was wonderful by the way). I got to joke with Bobby and eat home cooking. I loved spending time with my mom and just relaxing with her and talking and catching up.

I hung out a lot with "John's friends" as well. Hoss and Austin were the main two that I saw, but it was so much fun! We sat outside and talked while Hoss and Austin smoked a cigarette, we made each other laugh, watched movies, cooked dinner and ate Mexican bread. I've known Austin since my Junior year and Hoss and I hung out quite a bit this past summer but for some reason it was this weekend that made me feel close to them. I am not sure why but I'm glad it happened, I really miss them and it makes me sad that I can't be with those guys all year. They're wild and hysterical and intelligent and love good movies and accepting and everything.

As I left home on Sunday I began to really feel the pains of growing up. I realized that at this point in my life there isn't a home. I feel (to steal a line from garden state more or less) that I'm just in search of home. I don't live at OBU but I don't live at home, and that's the way it will be until I make this home by myself; without all these other elements that I consider to be home. Soon new elements will become more like home to me than Austins house, sleeping with my dog and crawling into bed with my mom. This is sad and exciting all at the same time. I don't know...but I do know that I'm not ready for all of that to happen just yet. But whether I'm ready or not, growing up will happen to me. I just hope I can put it off for as long as I can

My God Is So BIG

Well, you know how the other day I was sort of bummed about not being able to be home until Thanksgiving? Well all of that has changed. My mom was supposed to come to Shawnee to visit us and my Grandmother. But my Grandmother said it was probably better that we didn't because it would be pretty stressful and she's sick. So somehow that turned into me making a weekend trip on the 30th to go home, which has more recently turned into me making a weekend trip this weekend. I'm SO excited. I'm leaving Thursday afternoon because I get done at around 12 and on Friday I only have one class (which I will skip). I have a brand new big girl bed for the first time in my life. For a long time I've had this janky little day bed that is missing a screw and squeeks anytime you move. But now I have a queen sized bed! Yay!! Hopefully my mom didn't rearrange my things in my room too much (she loves doing that and I hat e it.). I also REALLY miss my dog, we're two peas in a pod. She always hangs out with me when I'm sick or sad, she sits and watches TV with me and I lay down with her every night before I go to bed and hug her and love on her. And now that I have a huge bed she can sleep with me. I also really miss my mom and Bobby, can't wait to spend some time with them and just be in Borger. I miss my moms cooking. I miss me and Bobby feeding off of each others silliness. I miss spending hours at hastings. I miss POM juice at United. I miss the way Ember says "loser". I miss hearing Tracy say "Anitaaaa". I miss it all, and even though it's just for a few days I think it will rejuvinate me for school. I love home, and I know I'm getting older and parting with the past conception of "home" is part of it. But I'm still getting used to that. I might as well enjoy it while I can. Home here I come!

Fall Break

So my best friend Sarah Disch asked me to write a new blog because it's been about two weeks since the last one. It's kind of comforting knowing that SOMEONE reads this silly little blog.

Not too much has gone on these past two weeks. Wednesday was the beginning of Fall Break. Everyone went to Vern's house in Kansas City except John and I. First we weren't invited (lame), then we were, then John had to work so he couldn't go. I felt bad leaving him here by himself to just work and have no one to hang out with, so I stayed too. Even if I hadn't stayed here with him I don't think I would have gone to Kansas City. I really miss home. I'm glad that I stayed and I've had fun but I really miss my house, and my mom and Bobby and my dog. I cried some on Thursday because I missed everything so much. It's weird, this is the longest I've gone without going home. Luckily my mom is coming to visit in two weeks so I think that will be refreshing to have her here. But this break has been fun. John and I rented a million movies from Family Video to watch. We watched some Wednesday and Thursday night and on Friday we went to the city and had delicious pizza from Hideaway. Hideaway is this pizza place that has tons of great, different pizzas. Some have alfredo sauce, pesto, oil and barbecue and tons of different toppings. YUM. Then we went to the Warren, this vintage inspired theater, and watched Where The Wild Things Are. It was just as wonderful as I was hoping it would be. It was my favorite book when I was a kid, and the theme is even the best place is not as good as home. It was so wonderful. Tonight John and I are cooking dinner and watching more movies. I think it will be fun. The break hasn't been super exciting, but it's been fun. It would've been nice to get away for a few days, but that's okay. At least I got some quality time with the boy.

I want to mention this (even though it's irrelevant) but I've been eating healthy (lots of tasty salads), not drinking carbonated drinks, drinking lots of water and going to yoga regularly. And in the past few weeks I've lost five pounds. I know that's lame to mention but I'm really proud of myself. I'm hoping to loose maybe 6 more..but we'll see. I feel great though.

Anyways, that's what's happening in my life right now. (and P.S I love you and miss you Sarah)

At This Particular Moment in Time...

What a wonderful weekend. John and I went and watched Zombieland and Whip It, made chocolate chip cookies with our friend Griffin and (the best part) went and heard Donald Miller speak. It was amazing. I love Donald Miller and I have since my sophomore of junior year of high school. He's influenced the way I think, live my life, and live my faith. A few of my friends and I have been talking about Portland, Oregon lately. Me, John, Ben and my engaged friends Daniel and Leah. Donald Miller lives in Portland and that's what really inspired me (and my brother and John) to want to go. Ben went and worked a camp this past summer near Portland and he fell in love with it.

It's strange. I've never been to Portland and I don't think I would have given it a thought if not for Donald Miller. I see pictures and read things about it and I know that's where I want to be. I've prayed a lot about it and I can't see myself being anywhere else. I knew I'd never want to stay in Oklahoma and I wasn't ever interested in living in the Texas panhandle. Especially now, I'm ready for something new. My heart longs for this place that I've never even seen with my own eyes. I know that God could change my heart in seconds...but I'm really thinking that Portland is where I need to be.

The weather today is cloudy, misty and chilly. I love cardigan weather and I really love fall, cloudy weather. That's what Portland is like a lot of the time. I wouldn't mind that at all...and I wouldn't mind to live somewhere that is green year round. I feel my heart being drawn to Portland and I'm not really sure why but all I know is it's what it longs for.

I honestly think about Portland everyday and the day I move there can't come fast enough. It's terrifying and exciting. Exciting for obvious reasons I think; it's an artistic city, history, 20 something driven etc... But it's scary because it's so far from "home" and my family and I think that'd be pretty rough. I know this is all pretty far off in the future (kind of) but I really feel like that is where I want to be for awhile.

Plus Daniel got his book signed by Don and told Don he and a few friends were thinking about moving to Portland. Donald said to get a hold of him when we did. All the more reason to go.

one of those days

So Friday play day was today and it was pretty rough. Only two kids showed up and that's pretty disappointing from the usual 10 or 12 we usually have. It's just one of those days where I feel ineffective and I ask myself "what am I even doing?". I feel pretty bummed out. I kind of feel like ever since play time was handed over to me for the time being I killed it. The family that made up about 6 of our usual group has moved away. I felt pretty close to this family and I'm so upset that they left. I pray though that the situation is good and not bad. Plus, one little girl there, who is usually super happy, was very grumpy and inconsolable. I just feel pretty useless and to top it all off I took a test in one of my classes and didn't do so well. Just. Useless. I just wish my best friend Sarah were here so I could hear her say "NOOOO. You're not useless. I love you and God is using you!!" and hug me. I really miss her, especially on days like this.

On the bright side a little boy named Davon opened up a lot today. He usually has a confused look on his face and doesn't say but two words. Today a random puppy came and he wanted to play with it. He and Daniel played the entire time and he was talking (albeit with incomprehensible words) the whole time.

I know Jesus still works, even when I don't see it.

I give in

Okay, so as it turns out I kind of miss blogging. So I've decided I will keep the (rather small world that follows me) updated on my college life. It's also for my best friend Sarah who is studying abroad in Asia this semester. I want her to be a part of what we're doing...even though I'm sure she's too busy to read it. I'll just pretend

Last weekend was the wonderful Biggie. There were some really good acts, some awkward emcee skits and some super awkward decorations: black and white clothes hanging from the stage. It was fun nonetheless to sit with friends and dress up and watch the show together. Afterwards we stole a mess of balloons and proceeded to inhale helium and say/sing funny things as we walked to Braum's for ice cream.

A little while after we went to Emily Roberts house (my roomies sister) and had a dance party and played Battle of the Sexes. People were getting drunk in the other room and I'm sure our idea of fun seemed really lame to them. Oh well...they're lame.

I really enjoy people I've decided especially the people that are my friends. They are all hysterical and wonderfully snide and at times a little coarse. And I love it. They all love Jesus more than life and I love that.

My room mate situation couldn't be better. My lame-o roomie from last year is an RA now and has become quite the flake. That's okay because God is big and blessed me with a great room mate who makes me laugh, doesn't get everything she wants, and is fun. I'm really excited.

Hmm...what else...I'm in charge of the apartment ministry. It intimidates me all the time, but it's been a blessing so far. Some of the kids have moved away which broke my heart but I'm praying that the situation is a good one. I miss them though.

Tonight John and I have to decide on going to Aaron's surprise party or heading to the city to watch a sneak preview of a movie. I can't decide. I'm sure my brother will roll his eyes if we choose the date over the party. Typical Ben. Haha

God has been blessing my life recently and I'm loving the year so far. I'll keep this updated as exciting things happen.

A New Post (finally)

Okay, I don't know how often I'll end up getting on here, but Elsie ( a girl I follow) has a fun new game of twenty questions and I want to play. Play too if you want!

1. Show us the inside of something cute

The inside of my little dorm room. (Sorry for the tiny pictures)

2.What was the last home cooking you've had?

I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful boyfriend who cooks me yummy pesto tortellini

3.What do you miss?

Snuggling with this girl.

4. What makes you laugh often?

These men.

5.What's your favorite word?

I treat all words as equals

6.What are you trying to quit?

Gone from two a day to two in the past three weeks.

Baller.

7.What's your favorite commercial right now?

Umm...I don't really enjoy commercials

8.Whose style do you dig?

I covet Zooey Deschanel's style

9.Link to a great blog you've discovered recently.

http://www.oncewed.com/

My friend Leah is planning a wedding and she told me about this site

it's got great ideas, and DIY ideas, and lovely pictures.

10.What's the last craft you made?

I'm not sure if this counts as a craft but I've been working on a little

project that has what I wore that day, thoughts that day and also just pages

full of doodles. I'm liking it a lot.

11.A photo of the last happy mail you got

Stickers for my water bottle and a new cell phone!

12. Something you've got lately

A frisbee and jump rope for play day Friday

13. What are you looking forward to?

Moving to Portland someday

14.Post a recent snapshot of yourself

15.Recent favorite movie?

This one.

16.Something you're working on right now

A bible lesson for these precious kids.

17.If a movie were made about you, who would play you?

Reese Witherspoon, circa Walk the Line.

18. What gives you goosebumps?

This boy. All the time.

19.Share a new obsession

Ugh. Tetris.

20.What's the meaning of your life?

To love others in a way that would please my Jesus

time for a happy post!

my week has gotten substantially better!
hooray
i've really gotten into pictures lately. i found a new website called picnik.com and you can edit pictures on there for free. they offer a few extra things for 25.95 a month. but the basic (free) stuff is more than enough. not only can you heighten the quality of the picture but you can do cool effects, add text, draw on it and whiten teeth. pretty cool. here's one that i did.so a lot of people here at school are giving things up for lent. i thought that was pretty cool. my family has done it for a long time but i didn't do it last year. this year i am. john and megan gave up meat. daniel gave up food runs. disch and vern gave up dessert. anyways i have a habit of wanting new things. it doesn't matter if it's a whole new outfit or just something little and cute from the antique store. it takes up a lot of my money. so for my forty days i'm giving up spending money on things i don't need. i'll ONLY be spending money on things i absolutely need like toiletries and stuff. unfortunately i will have to make one exception, johns 21st birthday is next week and i can't not get him something (he's never had a real party or a really good birthday present) but it's not even for me. it's already been tough. no happy hour runs to sonic, no new knick knacks from salvation army, no fast food and no shopping for something for me in mexico. it's all worth though and it teaches me a great lesson.

well i'm off to enjoy this spring weather. who knows how long it'll stay.

to be completely honest

I'll just come out and say it. These past few weeks have been just awful. I feel drained, worried, confused, useless and stripped of all my joy. I feel as if there is no one to talk to. I'll start where I can. It feels like a lot. I found out yesterday my room mate (who I love) is thinking about being an RA. She has to give an answer by today or tomorrow. Housing meetings are today and you pretty much need to know what your plan is. If she chooses this I have no idea what I'll do. Everyone pretty much knows what they will be doing next semester. I feel totally thrown under the bus.

Also last weekend I went and visited my dads. Without going into too much detail...it wasn't what I was hoping. John, me and two other friends were supposed to go and I was hopeful of having a really good time. Well the two friends backed out last minute and it ended up being just John and I. I was worried already. I decided to go ahead and go, who knows maybe God would totally bless me through going. That didn't exactly happen. I always go hopeful, I always think maybe this time things will be better. I've come to realize maybe it isn't, maybe it won't ever be. Maybe it's broken and it can't be fixed. It's going to stay broken.

What's worse is (brutal honesty here) I don't have anyone to talk to about really. I have John and I have my mom. But my mom is my mom. I love her and I'm SO glad I can talk to her but it's not like having a friend. And John is a boy...I know I can say anything to him but...sometimes you need that girl friend to vent and cry to. My room mate is sort of distancing herself from that roll I feel like. Or she's sick of hearing about it all. Which is fine. It's something I still deal with and probably always will deal with. And my group of friends..they don't really even feel like my group of friends. I can't really talk to them. I feel like, to them, I'm forgettable. An after thought. I can't talk to them. I'm not sure if they care to talk to me. I feel really alone in this. And I feel bad for John because he just transferred and now with housing nobody wants to be with him because he doesn't have enough points (what you gain for semesters on campus. also determines where you can live). Everybody is looking out for themselves. They want the people with the highest points so they can have the best place to live. And that doesn't include John. He might have to live in the boys dorms again which is lame when you're junior and everybody knows that.

My quiet times lately have been focused on spiritual warfare and praying. I don't know what's going on or what God is doing. I'm super confused..and tired. I'm really tired. I decided last week that next summer I want to live in Mexico for a year and I'm hoping it all works out. Hopefully I'll be working with a church there and doing a form of missions. I know that's part of the reason Satan is attacking. I'm not budging and I will endear through this. But I'm still really weary. Anyways...

and my mind wanders...

The weather outside is much colder than before. 25 degrees colder in fact. What a jump. Wouldn't have thought that the weather would be so iffy in winter. I don't know why I started a new blog really. It just sort of happened. I like change, even if it's just in the form of an online journal. I guess subconsciously I've been craving some change today. I cut my hair today. Just the bangs. I rather like my long hair but it being on length was driving me nuts. So I cut it. It's a little choppy but I'll say it's edgy. I'm poor. I can't afford a good hair cut. None of it really bothers me. I'm tired. I shouldn't be considering I got nine and a half hours of rest and have done nothing but chill in my room pretty much. Today is Valentine's Day. I know what EVERYONE says. "Valentine's day is over rated. It's so commercial" blah blah blah. Like they're being original or something. Sometimes I feel like enjoying the day is more original than hating it. That's just me. I've never had a real Valentine's date before. This is new. I don't mind the day. I guess because no one I know really buys into the cliche Valentines day. I got lillies from John...not roses. We'll see what the rest is. It can be special and romantic if you make it. Plus it's an excuse to spend a day to love on the people important in your life. I don't see anything wrong with it. It's all how you look at it I guess. Lately I've had the urge to be crafty. I want to learn to sew cute little things. I want to paint something cute for my room. I want to scrap book. I want to take pictures. I want to make a totally unique and massive doodle. It would be fun. My room mate is doing home work. She makes me feel unproductive. Although, she has four tests next week...and missed four days of classes. I guess she has an excuse to be more productive than me right now. I love her. Mexico is 28 days away. I'm so excited. I can't believe it's less than a month away. It is my favorite part of the year and I hope God does great things and blows my already high expectations out of the water. I love Mexico and the people there. They capture my heart. I'm excited to use my level 4 Spanish there. I hope I can do well in conversing. I'd like to go as a translator next year. Maybe that's just me hoping.