My Trip Home

So I went home this past weekend. It was JUST what I needed, God really did work that one out for me. I got to visit my beloved Sherman family and it was amazing. I hung out with Ember and we talked and made each other laugh and I played with Brysee and Corbee. I love those little boys. I got to hang out with Johns family and chill at his house doing homework and watching Mad Men. And my dog! I love her! I got to hug her neck and sing her songs and sleep with her in my new big girl bed. Nineteen years old and my first time to sleep in my very own big girl bed (which was wonderful by the way). I got to joke with Bobby and eat home cooking. I loved spending time with my mom and just relaxing with her and talking and catching up.

I hung out a lot with "John's friends" as well. Hoss and Austin were the main two that I saw, but it was so much fun! We sat outside and talked while Hoss and Austin smoked a cigarette, we made each other laugh, watched movies, cooked dinner and ate Mexican bread. I've known Austin since my Junior year and Hoss and I hung out quite a bit this past summer but for some reason it was this weekend that made me feel close to them. I am not sure why but I'm glad it happened, I really miss them and it makes me sad that I can't be with those guys all year. They're wild and hysterical and intelligent and love good movies and accepting and everything.

As I left home on Sunday I began to really feel the pains of growing up. I realized that at this point in my life there isn't a home. I feel (to steal a line from garden state more or less) that I'm just in search of home. I don't live at OBU but I don't live at home, and that's the way it will be until I make this home by myself; without all these other elements that I consider to be home. Soon new elements will become more like home to me than Austins house, sleeping with my dog and crawling into bed with my mom. This is sad and exciting all at the same time. I don't know...but I do know that I'm not ready for all of that to happen just yet. But whether I'm ready or not, growing up will happen to me. I just hope I can put it off for as long as I can

My God Is So BIG

Well, you know how the other day I was sort of bummed about not being able to be home until Thanksgiving? Well all of that has changed. My mom was supposed to come to Shawnee to visit us and my Grandmother. But my Grandmother said it was probably better that we didn't because it would be pretty stressful and she's sick. So somehow that turned into me making a weekend trip on the 30th to go home, which has more recently turned into me making a weekend trip this weekend. I'm SO excited. I'm leaving Thursday afternoon because I get done at around 12 and on Friday I only have one class (which I will skip). I have a brand new big girl bed for the first time in my life. For a long time I've had this janky little day bed that is missing a screw and squeeks anytime you move. But now I have a queen sized bed! Yay!! Hopefully my mom didn't rearrange my things in my room too much (she loves doing that and I hat e it.). I also REALLY miss my dog, we're two peas in a pod. She always hangs out with me when I'm sick or sad, she sits and watches TV with me and I lay down with her every night before I go to bed and hug her and love on her. And now that I have a huge bed she can sleep with me. I also really miss my mom and Bobby, can't wait to spend some time with them and just be in Borger. I miss my moms cooking. I miss me and Bobby feeding off of each others silliness. I miss spending hours at hastings. I miss POM juice at United. I miss the way Ember says "loser". I miss hearing Tracy say "Anitaaaa". I miss it all, and even though it's just for a few days I think it will rejuvinate me for school. I love home, and I know I'm getting older and parting with the past conception of "home" is part of it. But I'm still getting used to that. I might as well enjoy it while I can. Home here I come!

Fall Break

So my best friend Sarah Disch asked me to write a new blog because it's been about two weeks since the last one. It's kind of comforting knowing that SOMEONE reads this silly little blog.

Not too much has gone on these past two weeks. Wednesday was the beginning of Fall Break. Everyone went to Vern's house in Kansas City except John and I. First we weren't invited (lame), then we were, then John had to work so he couldn't go. I felt bad leaving him here by himself to just work and have no one to hang out with, so I stayed too. Even if I hadn't stayed here with him I don't think I would have gone to Kansas City. I really miss home. I'm glad that I stayed and I've had fun but I really miss my house, and my mom and Bobby and my dog. I cried some on Thursday because I missed everything so much. It's weird, this is the longest I've gone without going home. Luckily my mom is coming to visit in two weeks so I think that will be refreshing to have her here. But this break has been fun. John and I rented a million movies from Family Video to watch. We watched some Wednesday and Thursday night and on Friday we went to the city and had delicious pizza from Hideaway. Hideaway is this pizza place that has tons of great, different pizzas. Some have alfredo sauce, pesto, oil and barbecue and tons of different toppings. YUM. Then we went to the Warren, this vintage inspired theater, and watched Where The Wild Things Are. It was just as wonderful as I was hoping it would be. It was my favorite book when I was a kid, and the theme is even the best place is not as good as home. It was so wonderful. Tonight John and I are cooking dinner and watching more movies. I think it will be fun. The break hasn't been super exciting, but it's been fun. It would've been nice to get away for a few days, but that's okay. At least I got some quality time with the boy.

I want to mention this (even though it's irrelevant) but I've been eating healthy (lots of tasty salads), not drinking carbonated drinks, drinking lots of water and going to yoga regularly. And in the past few weeks I've lost five pounds. I know that's lame to mention but I'm really proud of myself. I'm hoping to loose maybe 6 more..but we'll see. I feel great though.

Anyways, that's what's happening in my life right now. (and P.S I love you and miss you Sarah)

At This Particular Moment in Time...

What a wonderful weekend. John and I went and watched Zombieland and Whip It, made chocolate chip cookies with our friend Griffin and (the best part) went and heard Donald Miller speak. It was amazing. I love Donald Miller and I have since my sophomore of junior year of high school. He's influenced the way I think, live my life, and live my faith. A few of my friends and I have been talking about Portland, Oregon lately. Me, John, Ben and my engaged friends Daniel and Leah. Donald Miller lives in Portland and that's what really inspired me (and my brother and John) to want to go. Ben went and worked a camp this past summer near Portland and he fell in love with it.

It's strange. I've never been to Portland and I don't think I would have given it a thought if not for Donald Miller. I see pictures and read things about it and I know that's where I want to be. I've prayed a lot about it and I can't see myself being anywhere else. I knew I'd never want to stay in Oklahoma and I wasn't ever interested in living in the Texas panhandle. Especially now, I'm ready for something new. My heart longs for this place that I've never even seen with my own eyes. I know that God could change my heart in seconds...but I'm really thinking that Portland is where I need to be.

The weather today is cloudy, misty and chilly. I love cardigan weather and I really love fall, cloudy weather. That's what Portland is like a lot of the time. I wouldn't mind that at all...and I wouldn't mind to live somewhere that is green year round. I feel my heart being drawn to Portland and I'm not really sure why but all I know is it's what it longs for.

I honestly think about Portland everyday and the day I move there can't come fast enough. It's terrifying and exciting. Exciting for obvious reasons I think; it's an artistic city, history, 20 something driven etc... But it's scary because it's so far from "home" and my family and I think that'd be pretty rough. I know this is all pretty far off in the future (kind of) but I really feel like that is where I want to be for awhile.

Plus Daniel got his book signed by Don and told Don he and a few friends were thinking about moving to Portland. Donald said to get a hold of him when we did. All the more reason to go.

one of those days

So Friday play day was today and it was pretty rough. Only two kids showed up and that's pretty disappointing from the usual 10 or 12 we usually have. It's just one of those days where I feel ineffective and I ask myself "what am I even doing?". I feel pretty bummed out. I kind of feel like ever since play time was handed over to me for the time being I killed it. The family that made up about 6 of our usual group has moved away. I felt pretty close to this family and I'm so upset that they left. I pray though that the situation is good and not bad. Plus, one little girl there, who is usually super happy, was very grumpy and inconsolable. I just feel pretty useless and to top it all off I took a test in one of my classes and didn't do so well. Just. Useless. I just wish my best friend Sarah were here so I could hear her say "NOOOO. You're not useless. I love you and God is using you!!" and hug me. I really miss her, especially on days like this.

On the bright side a little boy named Davon opened up a lot today. He usually has a confused look on his face and doesn't say but two words. Today a random puppy came and he wanted to play with it. He and Daniel played the entire time and he was talking (albeit with incomprehensible words) the whole time.

I know Jesus still works, even when I don't see it.