I'll just come out and say it. These past few weeks have been just awful. I feel drained, worried, confused, useless and stripped of all my joy. I feel as if there is no one to talk to. I'll start where I can. It feels like a lot. I found out yesterday my room mate (who I love) is thinking about being an RA. She has to give an answer by today or tomorrow. Housing meetings are today and you pretty much need to know what your plan is. If she chooses this I have no idea what I'll do. Everyone pretty much knows what they will be doing next semester. I feel totally thrown under the bus.
Also last weekend I went and visited my dads. Without going into too much detail...it wasn't what I was hoping. John, me and two other friends were supposed to go and I was hopeful of having a really good time. Well the two friends backed out last minute and it ended up being just John and I. I was worried already. I decided to go ahead and go, who knows maybe God would totally bless me through going. That didn't exactly happen. I always go hopeful, I always think maybe this time things will be better. I've come to realize maybe it isn't, maybe it won't ever be. Maybe it's broken and it can't be fixed. It's going to stay broken.
What's worse is (brutal honesty here) I don't have anyone to talk to about really. I have John and I have my mom. But my mom is my mom. I love her and I'm SO glad I can talk to her but it's not like having a friend. And John is a boy...I know I can say anything to him but...sometimes you need that girl friend to vent and cry to. My room mate is sort of distancing herself from that roll I feel like. Or she's sick of hearing about it all. Which is fine. It's something I still deal with and probably always will deal with. And my group of friends..they don't really even feel like my group of friends. I can't really talk to them. I feel like, to them, I'm forgettable. An after thought. I can't talk to them. I'm not sure if they care to talk to me. I feel really alone in this. And I feel bad for John because he just transferred and now with housing nobody wants to be with him because he doesn't have enough points (what you gain for semesters on campus. also determines where you can live). Everybody is looking out for themselves. They want the people with the highest points so they can have the best place to live. And that doesn't include John. He might have to live in the boys dorms again which is lame when you're junior and everybody knows that.
My quiet times lately have been focused on spiritual warfare and praying. I don't know what's going on or what God is doing. I'm super confused..and tired. I'm really tired. I decided last week that next summer I want to live in Mexico for a year and I'm hoping it all works out. Hopefully I'll be working with a church there and doing a form of missions. I know that's part of the reason Satan is attacking. I'm not budging and I will endear through this. But I'm still really weary. Anyways...
so a lot of people here at school are giving things up for lent. i thought that was pretty cool. my family has done it for a long time but i didn't do it last year. this year i am. john and megan gave up meat. daniel gave up food runs. disch and vern gave up dessert. anyways i have a habit of wanting new things. it doesn't matter if it's a whole new outfit or just something little and cute from the antique store. it takes up a lot of my money. so for my forty days i'm giving up spending money on things i don't need. i'll ONLY be spending money on things i absolutely need like toiletries and stuff. unfortunately i will have to make one exception, johns 21st birthday is next week and i can't not get him something (he's never had a real party or a really good birthday present) but it's not even for me. it's already been tough. no happy hour runs to sonic, no new knick knacks from salvation army, no fast food and no shopping for something for me in mexico. it's all worth though and it teaches me a great lesson.
